a Glen Phillips fan site
ttws.info/glen
"Justify
Your Existence" from The Onion,
America's Finest News Source
May
10, 2001
The Onion:
Why should anyone buy your record?
Glen Phillips: [submitted via e-mail] I am Glen Phillips, former
lead singer of the band Toad The Wet Sprocket. I am 5'7", blue-eyed, circumcised
(Jewish, but no bris), and genetically predisposed to colon cancer, heart
disease, stroke, and alcoholism. Everyone must buy Abulum, my debut solo
CD, for the following reasons: There is a slight chance that I will die
soon in a random accident and be posthumously critically acclaimed. Those
who purchase the album before I die will be able to make fun of the latecomers
and experience some small feeling of superiority. I might possess psychic
powers like Carrie, and make your prom night difficult if I don't think
you like me. I am a very sensitive person, and will be sad if nobody buys
my record. You are very compassionate and generous, and will help me to
feel loved. My songs are better than most people's, and stand up to repeated
listenings. My songs are deep lakes of dark liquid, seemingly placid when
viewed from the shore, but swirling with deep currents when one decides
to break the surface and dive to the depths, in which one will find beautiful,
life-changing treasures sooner or later. If I worked out I would be ripped,
and really sexy. There is a guy from Atlanta named Glenn Phillips who
sounds nothing like me, and is a much better guitarist (not a singer,
though), and if you like his music I encourage you to buy my album anyway,
just to see if there's any similarity, or maybe because you need reading
glasses and can't tell the difference between Glen and Glenn. The Onion
let me put this in their paper, which doesn't necessarily mean that they
care for me at all. But let's just say they think I'm hot shit, and since
you're a reader and will blindly follow their recommendations (real or
vaguely implied), you will run immediately to the record store and purchase
not only Abulum, but also the entire Toad catalog. Wait... this isn't
just about commerce. This is about my entire existence. I'm messing it
up entirely. Oh, God. Here they come for me. They've gone. I am a golden
god. Someday I'll work out, and be ripped, and really sexy. Really.
Glen Phillips' newest album is titled Abulum.
--Stephen Thompson